Of Ranting Of Reading (Utatane’s Letter)
by UwU97
Summary: Max length 2000


**Of Ranting Of Reading**

It's hard to think back to where this actually started, I actually don't think I even know where it started. Because of this, I will try my best to explain things from my point of view.

I do have to admit though, I'm really bad at explaining things so try your best to bear with me please.

Around the time of my birthday when I was two years old, my mom ran away and left me with my grandparents, or so I was told (will get to that later.) Apparently she went to bed like the rest of us and was gone in the morning with me left behind. I was hurting from this, I thought it was because I messed up, because I wasn't good enough and she didn't want me. I thought that I had been replaced by then, even hearing her name was enough to upset me.

Despite this, I still had a wild imagination and a cheerful personality, I would go outside and play like any other child, and that's the way I was until the second half of my first kindergarten year. Either something about me pushed them away or I'd somehow messed up, all I know is that no one wanted to be my friend anymore. It didn't take long for the loneliness to settle in, after a while I began to hate recess. Watching all my happy classmates play and chat in groups or pairs, it made me feel more lonely than I already was. I would always throw myself on the floor and scream until my teachers gave up on getting me to go outside.

It wasn't until second grade that I finally made a friend, her name was Brianna. We would have sleepovers and dance parties, hanging out like expected. However, at one sleepover during a dance party. I placed a period here to stop and let you know that this is where it can start to get triggering.

We were just dancing about, having a relatively good time until she pinned me to the bed beneath her, I was already uncomfortable with this, but was even more so when she began grinding her privates against mine. After awhile of her doing this (and me semi-protesting considering seven year old me was completely confused as to what was going on.) She asked me if I wanted to actually do it and attempted to pull down my pants.

At that point I shouted at her, "No! I'm not taking off my pants!" As I struggled to pull them back up again. Something that I look back on and feel more disgust with then the time it actually happened, is her response, "What? You're not going to get pregnant!" This is something that kinda scarred me until this day, not going to lie.

The years afterwards I had your common bullies and no friends (not counting the manipulative ones I trusted along the way), and it didn't really help that my grandparents had decided to pick favourites. My oldest 'sister' was praised for her beauty and talent, especially when it came to painting. She had flawless pale skin, shining emerald green eyes, short curly blonde hair, and a completely slim figure even though she ate whatever she wanted. On the other hand we have my older 'sister'. Admired for her academic skills, athleticism, social skills and also good looks. She would always come home with gold medals and report cards stuffed with A's and E's. She had gradient light brown hair with natural beach waves, a bikini-ready body, and eyes the shade of chocolate. I'm not saying my 'sisters' are perfect though, the oldest is a little socially awkward and (due to being smothered) has grown a constant annoyance towards the family. My other aunt got into the wrong crowd, she drinks, goes out to parties, and smokes veggies and herbs (how she does this I don't know,) even though she is not yet old enough to do these things.

Our family is kind of broken, and the way we function best is when nobody talks to each other, I am definitely not helping this matter considering I never made an effort to change that, but I really don't know how.

That was most of my childhood, so let's move closer to present day shall we? In the summer of 2017, the family took a trip to Newfoundland, and it was during this trip that my mom texted my grandma stating that she was ready to see us. I was ecstatic, I really wanted to see her! At first things were going pretty well, I was quietly chatting with her and resisting the urge to tackle hug her to the ground... until something popped up, "oh yeah!" My mom exclaimed, quickly taking out her phone and showing me the screen, "This is my daughter Evelyn!" And that is where everything shattered.

Looking back at this I believe it was my fault for putting her up on a pedestal. I couldn't stop the alarms ringing in my head that I had been replaced. At that moment I had just wished for 'Evelyn' to disappear. Of course I did feel selfish afterwards, she might be a really nice kid, but was it wrong to want all of my mom's love after ten long years? I'm going to have to get off topic for this, but I was partially mad at my grandparents, apparently my mom was going to take me with her but my grandparents wouldn't allow it. Even though I know my dad was abusive, I would rather have been taken. I'm currently at a feeling where I fear pain but deserve it, so I would rather get what I deserve but feel loved, rather than be safe but feel deathly lonely.

And today she's back, but it barely feels like it. You know what I said about Evelyn possibly being a nice child? I was completely wrong. She seemed nice at first, but then she became bossy, manipulative, and dismissive of rules along with the words 'no' or 'stop'. My mom now lives on the other side of town with my little sister and my mom's boyfriend, she visits sometimes, but I have no idea how to talk to her, I used to be able to talk to her about deeper things but now I just feel like I'm complaining and stressing her out. I don't know why but this house never felt like a home, I've locked out all family love because all I wanted was my mom's, but it's the one thing that I never feel like I'll receive, she even referred to me as a friend. I'm probably overreacting but that word had just stung so badly to me.

I made a friend at school, but it all just seemed like a competition of who's life sucked more. Later on I felt like I trusted her, I told a secret, I told her I saw things that weren't there, and she told me she saw them too, she told me that her 'visions' (or so we liked to call them) could here and interact with mine but she couldn't hear or see mine. Now as a little side note I will mention that the good visions often end up being killed by the bad visions, at first I believed her, until she told me about her vision talking to one of mine who was stabbed to death two minutes ago. I played along with this because I didn't want to lose my only friend, that's where it all went downhill.

I realized that besides liking music and moping we had nothing in common but I ignored it, this comes into play later. She started acting like the manipulative people I trusted before and began to boss me around and insult me if I did anything she didn't like, even if it was a good thing like trying to be more positive. If this wasn't bad enough, the visions became all we talked about, it turned into one big game of magic and drama, she even made it so that they could 'take over our bodies!' Eventually I just started to feel like entertainment and a test dummy for sexual acts. I got it to stop for a while, but then it was just her online friends, awkward silences, and trying not to anger her, therefore they're back now.

And today, I found out why she behaves the way she does. Well, kind of, I can never tell when she's lying or not. Her dad was recently arrested (we now have one more thing in common, dad's in jail) and her brother who acts a lot like Evelyn apparently fought with their mom, tried to run away, tried to kill her, and tried to kill himself. That sounds devastating and I truly feel bad if that really is the case. But the way she spoke about it made me unsure

(B = me I = her)

2 people just had a breakdown and I don't know what to do

Who and why (unsure of whether she means visions or not)

My mom and my brother idk it was scary (I don't want to put the whole conversation for both her privacy and mine but heres the part that mainly did it for me)

Wtf? He's ELEVEN, I don't think that he will do this easily, but I do believe that he requires therapy, he'll probably protest as much as possible but there's a high chance that he can end up hurting himself or someone else

Ya Ik my neck is red dude

I was slightly confused at the amount of slang she used, and she gave quite a lot of detail (that I don't think would be good to share with you) she even used a voice message in which she sounded fine. Her brother apparently tried to choke her, wouldn't that affect her throat? She even used more slang and didn't seem sad about it at all. I really don't know what to do.

I often feel quite sad, then think about how people have worse lives then me, and then beat myself up about it, this cycle and a couple more continue to loop. I rather recently have developed an intense want for pain, but I'm also really afraid of pain. I have tried to hurt myself before but my family has crappy sight which makes us accident prone, so all sharp items are dulled. I sometimes wish to have terrible things happen to me, such as rape or abuse, just because I feel like I deserve it, and these thoughts pass through my head every day.

I know I'm selfish, and if it sounds like I'm attempting to earn pity votes then I'm sorry, I don't intend it to come off that way.

Thank you for listening to me

Farewell


End file.
